Urghhh. i told my friend, and inspiration, the sophit, wait i'll just copy paste, the SOPHITICATED gamer he could do like a guest post or whatever and now he wants me to post and it.... my life is so hard i just want to sit here and guzzle cheese puffs until my hands are raw from the amount of cheese soot sucking the moisture from my skin. yet hey here we are i make scarifies for your entertainment/ mental pollution. i haven't figured out a way to monetize this yet but like if you've got some food in the fridge that you don't think you'll eat before it goes off please send it to my PObox.
without further waffle, he's the...monetize, nope. SOPHITICATED, there we go, gamer.
DEAR AGONY AUNT / WISEST AND MOST EXPERIENCED SOPHITICATED
GAMER – HOW DO I BECOME A YOUTUBER?
PROBLEM:
I HAVE A FRIEND THAT WANTS TO EARN SOME OF HIS MONEY FROM
YOUTUBE BUT CAN’T MAKE HIS FIRST VIDEO. WHAT ADVICE CAN I GIVE THIS FRIEND?
ANSWER:
So there we are logging into league of legends, going
through the title screen, seeing a light in the summer art’s eyes, being winked
at by their butthole. The queue to champion select starts: great I’m AP SHACO.
For those that don’t play league of legends, shaco is a
clown that can summon jack in the boxes. When enemy champions walk into range
of these invisible jack in the boxes, they make their champion scared for a few
seconds while melting their flesh from the PEW PEWdiepie. Sorry Freudian slip
and we’re back on topic.
That that brings us to rule 1 from my 12 rules to lives.
RULE 1: STUDY THE MASTERS. Pewdiepie is a master youtuber.
You want to avoid jealousy of your masters. This will let you have admiration,
so you can contact your masters and learn from them. You can learn what they
are doing that you aren’t.
And in the words of Arianna Grande, talking about her
masters:
One taught me love
One taught me patience
And one taught me pain
One taught me patience
And one taught me pain
RULE 2: DON’T play league of legends. It is so fun and
frustrating and addictive it will swallow your time like having a baby
ROYAL BABY 3: But realistically your friend is a cloud
headed piece of @£$! that needs to get a real job because that’s how we do it
around here. My father had a job hitting milk bottles with spoons and then I
took over the family business and used my engineering and business degrees to
streamline the business. Now we have mechanised milk bottle and spoon hitting
so that we get 150 dings a minute as opposed to the dinging by hand which you’d
probably expected thirty loud ones or sixty quiet ones. Of course this depends
on how good and capable your employees are, because sometimes people join with
fancy degrees that simply don’t have the intelligence for milk bottle dinging.
We had one person that had 14 cups of tea in one morning so I kept him behind
to have a go at him, and that lazy piece of !$@£ was only dinging about twenty
a minute.
ROYAL BABY 4: Remember you are dumb – stay humble. And I
quote Gronk:
“GRONK IS BOSS HE IS SMARTEST. THEN PARDU WHO HAS BEEN AT
COMPANY FOR SEVEN YEARS IS NEXT SMARTEST. THEN DORP WHO HAS BEEN AT COMPANY FOR
THREE YEARS IS NEXT SMARTEST. YOU NEW HERE, YOU ARE DUMB”
Thank you for reading. C u next Tuesday.
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