my second anniversary of posting nonsense

I’ve not written without caffeine for a very long time. Honestly i’m not sure how well my style will fare without the super charged effluent of pulsing impulses (nice one) running through my system. It was something closer to demonic possession than an actual process. As king says, he is the vessel through which his writing, and cocaine habit flows. In my case the source of that flow is likely a monkey with a pair of symbols.

Okay, so last year, yesterday, was the second anniversary. yes i forgot it was my anniversary of writing this shit heel blog. I mean now i have my silver play button and a cosplayer girlfriend who will corroborate the stories of my abusive and morally reprehensible ways when it comes time for my fall from grace; or that was the plan at least. Not gonna lie i started at nothing and now I am several steps backwards from there.

Maybe that’s too harsh, it’s not the destination but the friends we make along the way. As such I have decided to do a Q+A session on my subreddit. Only I don't have one, hey that itself could bare examination. Okay new idea, i am going to ask myself questions and then you’re going to read the answers and think about how charismatic and off the cuff i sound. Ready? Go:

Q: When did you decide to start soiling the internet with your filth?
A: Honestly that’s kind of a hostile question right from the off, I'd like to keep things a little friendlier ....

Oh shit i’m stealing the SOPHITICATED GAMER's format he used for the guest post he wrote the other day. He’ll probably notice but for the sake of originality I need to… keep going.

Q: when did you stop referencing whatever music you were listening to while writing when you started to run out of ideas?
A: hey don’t call me, by blondie, out on my bullshit you’re meant to be my fans, god you’re a hostile lot that’s for sure. good call back.

Q: is this really the best you have to offer after two years of biweekly blog posts.
A: well biweekly is a fairly ambiguous term so on that basis I don't think the question is valid m’kay. Not really sure what you mean by that, like twice a week or one every two weeks?

Q: do you think the pretence of accosting yourself has any inherent comedic value?
A: look who’s finally getting meta.

Q: you are?
A: indeed I am. Good question!

Q: well maybe you should address the whole garbelled English thing. Is that intentional or…
A: i’d rather not talk about it. I’m not sure if I'm dyslexic or brain damaged and at this point I don't want to know.

Q: Did you just get distracted by tinder?
A: yes, one person’s bio read “i’m the most complicated person you will ever meet,” I laughed so hard I wanted to include it in my blogpost.

Q: Are you getting to a postable length blog now?
A: yeah, time to rap it up.

Well that’s all we have time for. I am a very busy man with all those things that need doing and happening when you run a media empire like my own. All I can perhaps say is: thanks for reading, it means a lot. Aus!

The SOPHITICATED GAMER's agony aunt on the subject of... i didn't read it

Urghhh. i told my friend, and inspiration, the sophit, wait i'll just copy paste, the SOPHITICATED gamer he could do like a guest post or whatever and now he wants me to post and it.... my life is so hard i just want to sit here and guzzle cheese puffs until my hands are raw from the amount of cheese soot sucking the moisture from my skin. yet hey here we are i make scarifies for your entertainment/ mental pollution. i haven't figured out a way to monetize this yet but like if you've got some food in the fridge that you don't think you'll eat before it goes off please send it to my PObox.  

without further waffle, he's the...monetize, nope. SOPHITICATED, there we go, gamer. 

DEAR AGONY AUNT / WISEST AND MOST EXPERIENCED SOPHITICATED GAMER – HOW DO I BECOME A YOUTUBER?

PROBLEM:

I HAVE A FRIEND THAT WANTS TO EARN SOME OF HIS MONEY FROM YOUTUBE BUT CAN’T MAKE HIS FIRST VIDEO. WHAT ADVICE CAN I GIVE THIS FRIEND?

ANSWER:

So there we are logging into league of legends, going through the title screen, seeing a light in the summer art’s eyes, being winked at by their butthole. The queue to champion select starts: great I’m AP SHACO.

For those that don’t play league of legends, shaco is a clown that can summon jack in the boxes. When enemy champions walk into range of these invisible jack in the boxes, they make their champion scared for a few seconds while melting their flesh from the PEW PEWdiepie. Sorry Freudian slip and we’re back on topic.

That that brings us to rule 1 from my 12 rules to lives.

RULE 1: STUDY THE MASTERS. Pewdiepie is a master youtuber. You want to avoid jealousy of your masters. This will let you have admiration, so you can contact your masters and learn from them. You can learn what they are doing that you aren’t.

And in the words of Arianna Grande, talking about her masters:

One taught me love
One taught me patience
And one taught me pain

RULE 2: DON’T play league of legends. It is so fun and frustrating and addictive it will swallow your time like having a baby

ROYAL BABY 3: But realistically your friend is a cloud headed piece of @£$! that needs to get a real job because that’s how we do it around here. My father had a job hitting milk bottles with spoons and then I took over the family business and used my engineering and business degrees to streamline the business. Now we have mechanised milk bottle and spoon hitting so that we get 150 dings a minute as opposed to the dinging by hand which you’d probably expected thirty loud ones or sixty quiet ones. Of course this depends on how good and capable your employees are, because sometimes people join with fancy degrees that simply don’t have the intelligence for milk bottle dinging. We had one person that had 14 cups of tea in one morning so I kept him behind to have a go at him, and that lazy piece of !$@£ was only dinging about twenty a minute.

ROYAL BABY 4: Remember you are dumb – stay humble. And I quote Gronk:

“GRONK IS BOSS HE IS SMARTEST. THEN PARDU WHO HAS BEEN AT COMPANY FOR SEVEN YEARS IS NEXT SMARTEST. THEN DORP WHO HAS BEEN AT COMPANY FOR THREE YEARS IS NEXT SMARTEST. YOU NEW HERE, YOU ARE DUMB”

Thank you for reading. C u next Tuesday.

https://scontent.fbrs1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.15752-9/69158110_375705636479440_1917693401491308544_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_eui2=AeG_p43zgCd4_O6qosWzIykT0CYCmdvC5-OaEK772uj2YcJh5wdLQp2PT5hLXHf-tVAnFQTXDgkCxOFtD1KhrZXBqqMhpCJuDLcibnwzTPQOjw&_nc_oc=AQkLaxbc5_QcXZuAUkEYpSC7eMIHTeH5Hpi0x6csNcJIMiBrtbC4M9JazRaNLVEKCD4&_nc_ht=scontent.fbrs1-1.fna&oh=f25bd8bb33b8ee11ac5728737f0ab2a8&oe=5E0D671E

Video games turned my sweet child into a rabid dog

Why suggest video games cause people to act violently? It’s a serious topic given recent mass shootings in the United states and the discussion around it, and I feel myself straining against the format when I started musing over a discussion on it. There’s a good Wikipedia article that has collated the studies on video games and violence that lends itself to a firm rebuttal of the accusations that video-games are to blame. A polygon article (CBA to link it), published in march of 2018 talks about how effective rating systems are for limiting purchases by underage children, generally stating them to be more effective than movie ratings in preventing underage purchase.

So, then… well. Why is this still a thing? He asks suggesting by implication he yet has a theory to explain the trend. I do not, be assured, but if i muddle on long enough that might not matter.

“Video games are the most oppressed group of modern times” this is at least undeniably true. It’s harder to come as a gamer than it is as gay. Rightly so. After having been through controversies around: (deep breath) sexual themes, portrayal of gender, lgbt characters, race and countries; along with issues of addiction, online harassment, alt right associations and one game that featured “the killing of Sikhs at their most holy site” it is hard not to see video games and their players as a bunch degenerate cretins.

Video games don’t make people violent but the people who play them are bloody awful. Lets refine that statement a little, not much because I don't want people to think I'm letting up on my scorn. I’m fairly sure most people won’t defend that kind of bullshit. Let’s chance tack.

Film controversies are not listed as being of the medium in general but are organised by title which makes comparison hard (I'd actually have to do some research and that’s simply unacceptable), and some of these include minor aspects like the kingsman sequel being banned in Cambodia but misses out on some fairly major ones like the ‘triumph of the wills’ being made by Nazis, which you’know outside of gamer circles is a pretty edgy thing. The total given is 55 for films, 56 including triumph.

You know when i said that bit about games not being done by title, that was a lie or rather i hadn’t get googled it. The games industry, not including the hardware which isn’t inherently problematic, was worth 35 million, no, billion dollar $$$ in 2018. Conversely the film industry, including home entertainment is worth 136 billion. Proportionally to scale we would expect 0.257 times the controversies given the scale. 112. So where do you think games measure up? Drum roll please…. Oh, i already said it, 112 which doing some quick maths, 55*0.25 (carry the 1) 7 is 112. So it’s exactly as you’d expect. Where an industry a quarter of the size putting out double the controversy….

So where do we find an explanation for the data? A reporting bias? My method being bad? Well i don’t care really. I only set out to show why people are willing to saddle and already controversial hive of scum and villainy with yet more scorn. I feel very comfortable doing so myself and i have no gain from doing so. Simply my theory which i came up as I write this, is that there are terms of plausibility that make the idea of gamer, via their association to the medium, of being violent mass shooters a palatable idea even with evidence to the contrary. It is the 99 heinous acts that make the 100th assumed, of which you might be innocent. Not that it really matters as your reflex response to the accusation will simply be the posting of memes and another round of circle-jerking.

I have a massive boner for data and having just showered i decided to wedge in a rolling frequency chart of video game controversies. Each point is the sum of the prior five years, so the first point 1977 is the sum of 1973-1977, 1978 is 1972-1978 ect ect.

Clearly this shit show was at peak in the second half of the 2000’s and has since somewhat abated, CBA to claim statistical significance. My plan from here was to plot something entirely unrelated against the dependent variable in a scatter graph and claim causality but I have things to do with my day, a lie, so I think I'll just wrap it up here.

VR headsets ruined my sex life

Concerto for a rainy day softly plays. The gentle light of an overcast August day seeps in through breaks in the curtains as i chew a length of plastic, my imitation cigarette: itself an imitation of poverty for the 19th century artist attempting to clad their purple gowns in the washed out colours of proletariat authenticity. Nowhere in video games is the line between authenticity and the simulated more prevalent than in video games.

I’ve had the honour, no, the blessing, no… I’ve used. I like that one. I’ve used Vr headsets just a handful of times in my life: assuming that a hand can hold more than three and less than five Vr’s. I mean, I could have met a handful of elephants and had it only be the one, fetal, elephant. They gestate for 22 months, and now you’ve learned something, so this isn’t a total waste of time. How many elephant facts constitutes a handful?

Vr’s biggest limitation at the moment is that it’s hella expensive and does to hardware what a really intensive graphically complex 3-d image does to a GPU. Now if that sounds a bit too technical for you we can go back to elephant facts: Did you know that an African bush elephant weighs more than twice as much as a jungle elephant, and they weigh (a colossal) 2,700 KG. no i didn’t slip an extra Zero in there, they are just really heavy.

I punched my friends kneecaps repeatedly while playing super hot. The issue with having one move around a 3-D Space, is that if the audience’s knee caps enter the physical space that overlaps with the digital realm just where the enemies head is; there is a keen likelihood that i won’t see it the first time and won’t stop from the second to eighth due to the mind breaking immersion. Their trunks are a fusion of the nose and upper lip, if you pinch the two together you might get some impression of what being an elephant is like, but probably not.

Holy cow on a satsuma, I know this is the man draw of VR, other than people spoiling at the chance to look like a prat, but it’s dam immersive. One often forgets the fiction of the place, not in the overarching experience but in singular panicked moments that startle the reptile brain into getting it’s freak out on. Speaking of brains ours have 86 millions fibres which is good until you remember elephants have 257 million, then again elephants don’t have Vr headsets so who is really winning the evolution?

The issue with this whole piece is i have only experienced VR briefly as a guest, and as such can’t claim any specific insight. I’m not sure what actually living with the technology is like. Now just to be clear, I could have asked any of the people I know who do have VR and have chosen not to because I am lazy and not interested in the topic outside attempting use is as a vessel to discuss a species that eats specifics plants as a means to induce labour, a form of self medication that is indicative of their highly developed brains.

In summary elephants never forget but i forgot to… what did i forget again? I don’t seem to remember.