The PUBG: The ultimatum

From here until the new year it’s all a down hill slide. Nothing good was ever achieved on the cusp of winter. Today is no exception! Splat splat splosh goes the third shower of the morning as i sit in an unlit hovel overlooking the spectacle through a thin veil. One last surge and then it finally lets up. for a moment, thoughts clear i take my mark.

Pace, action, tension and excitement. No room for holding back i need to capture the zeitgeist of human experience and to do so now i must ride at the very forefront of games journalism. To pause on a beat, reflect on circumstance or offer insight would be an insult to just how very hip and happening this post will be. There is no context when you're riding the crest of a wave, there is only you the board and shore line racing towards you. Before we beach ourselves on the metaphor i think it wise to now state, that i, like so many other people with misleading T-shirts, do not surf.

Pugb, pubg, pgbu: player unknown’s battlegrounds. So just battlegrounds then, i guess we say dante’s inferno. Well i do, you say not that pretentious trash literary allusion again bvgroti to which i swiftly and reproachfully announce: i can’t. For this text, has no text, no context and no explicit imperative. What's an explicit imperative? GO FUCK YOURSELF! Although the games been hinting i should do that for a while.

Simply the game does all and tells all through it’s mechanics. Is this a good thing? Well it was certainly interesting the first time i saw a red splodge appear on the map and i decided to go check it out only to find myself promptly saturated in mortar fire. That is to say, i doubt they could have got much more in before it wouldn’t be a cadava anymore, maybe some kind of new experimental smoothie. This would be amusing if true, heck it might be anyway but it’s not my place to judge (but just so we’re clear it ought to have garnered at least a wry smile)

I learn the game the same way most did, through a sequential percolation of information as the pubg wave broke up on shore of the gaming masses. From Twitch, the Youtubes, and other platforms that exist did the videos come. All things to all men. A call to do the thing. We lobbied up and got to it, not as pioneers but as colonists and like colonists, boy did we starve… and leave behind a problematic legacy which mires foreign policy even today. (such a brave thing for me to say)

The soft touch i use for my PC gaming, that is to say all my gaming. Isn’t exactly at the cutting edge. I don’t want to be too mean to the poor dear because she has been a sturdy and reliable thing for many years and i’m fairly convinced she can tell when i’m talking shit about her and will punish me accordingly. My point here, if there is one, is it takes me an awful long time to load into the game.

In earlier builds this meant laying in a ditch for five minutes while the game world loads out an ethereal playdough, but since then with a constant barrage of updates making the game more or less optimised the effects have varied. Ranging from everything working just fine, to the repeatedly crashing upon launch. My favourite of these effects is the ability to phase through solid walls in game. Client side collision detection and the games tendency to take a while fully rendering an asset from the playdough realm allows me to pass through the blobs of shapelessness that will resolve into the building proper a few seconds later. It acts of a counterbalance of the initial frame rates being in the region of somewhere between 5 and -5. This more often than not, gets me killed, as uncle Ben says: Delicious rice ready in 10 minutes, also if you’ve got power you’ll prolly f’ it up so just say home and watch netflix or sumin. One such instance was me ploughing a car half way into a house, only for the house to then render around the vehicle causing it, and me to become a new flavour of smoothie.

Mutation: it is the key to our evolution. It has enabled us to evolve from a single-celled organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, and normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few hundred millennia, some programmer fucks up and we leap forward. What could be more cutting edge than the ability to pass through physical objects. Imagine if you didn’t notice the door in front of you as you walked, so you simply passed through it. What possibilities would that create, a cornucopia of experience at the fingertips being snuffed out by a click of a shotgun as the mic spamming child in the next room spots my reality bending glitch and tastes the coming of his chicken dinner.

Maybe the reason we don’t have super powered people today is because humans show an instinctive desire to snuff out anything they can’t understand. This is doubtful speculation and probably a waste of time to spend much thought considering, but what can i say. While waiting for the game to load i’ve had time to reflect on inane musings that mean little and just fill the gaps. Speaking of gaps, this brings up a fairly unique question, as i report my experience of the game, i figure due to my hardware it’s fairly unrelatable to the average player, so then what purpose does a review serve if i talk about aspects they’ll never engage with and events that were entirely fictitious… again probably best i don’t spend too long on this one in case the answer undermines my authority.

Though at the core, my experience is much the same. Waiting in a broom closet with three teammates waiting for some poor unfortunate to walk in and discover our smoothie selection via shotgun to the mouth. Only to then walk outside to get picked off by a sniper, blown up by grenades, drowned in a river and get caught trying to revive your good for nothing friends while the ever shrinking blue ring bares down squeezing mic spamming gun toting psychopaths into a tight enclosed space and offering them virtual points to slay one another.
It’s like a prisoner's dilemma where the prisoners are all utterly ape shit.


Why do they bother to add vehicles and not bother with horse? 5/10
OH SHIT! I forgot to mention the miniskirts, actually the less said the better.