Taking the Big shots to task! Reviewing the reviewers. An end to elitist smug?

Seldom is the day that i consider the appeal of the prose i spout, that day has still yet to come. I have instead formulated a brilliant cheap trick to bolster the attention it draws without improving in any way shape or form; Quite the opposite, this might make everything a lot worse. A fellow critic of the video games, recently put out a review of a horror game, called Persistence (the game is called persistence, not the critic (would it be weird if the game reviewed the critic?)). Ever since i’ve had a persistent urge to chide, mock or otherwise condescend to what is otherwise an entirely readable article, i can’t fathom why but i find it repulsive in a manor only matched by upper middle class suburbia.

The video game persistence is one i have forgone playing because that would have necessitated having heard about it before. The article states, “a trouser ruining horror” for the most part my trousers remain unruined. The exception being the time some kid left his half chewed gum on the bus seat where my derriere found itself, hence my fictitious nickname: gummybuns.

What isn’t fictitious is the zeal with which this sticky fingered Augustus gloop boasts his hardware and supposed refinement as a critic spouting such bollocks as “for my own sanity” and “shattering hours later” even going so far as to mention he was in possession of the fabled future technology “vr” i don’t believe in it, if i sellotape a screen to my face that doesn’t make it virtual reality, all it does is make me some rotund soft brained dirge believing in a future that will NEVER COME!

I didn’t mean for this to turn into a hit piece but if you wind up staggering around a tennis court in the middle of a match it’s rude to not at least try and take a swing at the ball. Speaking of court the supposed “website?” this article is hosted on doesn’t let my copy paste sections of the article, citing a DMCA protection. This might be to protect from people stealing his work but i could have always screenshotted the piece (piss) and uploaded that, leaving everyone none the wiser. ‘Me steal his work? I couldn’t have, it’s DMCA protected,’ is what i would say in court before trying to take a swing at the ball as the umpire tackles me to the ground screaming ‘are you the pervert that trashed the local music shop last year?’

2321 character deep, i refuse to press the backspace key that many times, so i have no choice but to press on. The writer clearly has a loose if not tenuous grip of the sciences, saying “delicious stem cells, Mmm” first off Mmm isn’t a word. I tried to play it once in scrabble and my opponent told me to ‘get of the tennis court there is a match in progress.’ Second is the issue of stem cells, they’re not delicious. They taste like mushrooms, a food upsupringly grown in shit. This would be a perfect opportunity to criticise the reviewers taste in games having set up the necessary elements for a witty little one liner but unlike that morlock faced reviewer i have no reason to stoop to cheap insults.

They claim the game was scary but also say things like “that encounter was pretty hilarious” clearly they know nothing about tonal consistency. You can’t put something totally out of place in a game like that or else. 22,000 children die of poverty each day, climate change is set to disproportionately affect the impoverished and without sustained efforts to slow the rate of change and help improve their means of subsistence this figure could increase.

The author rounds out his review with a brief three liner summary of what he was saying giving little thought the greater world around him as he does. He claims that “the game is not for the faint of heart” yet it is an escape from deeper more tragic truths that plague our world. This for once isn’t his fault, the games industry blah blah blah escapism, reality. Cyber space. Ready player one is bad reference you know all this already do i need to remind you?

The game reviewed didn’t have horses, nor did the review find a way to work horses into the narrative. In this at least i can outshine because my infiltration into the tennis court took place upon an equine mount.