BVGRONTI Celebrates One year of truth seeking by reviewing read dead redemption

It’s our anniversary sweetie. Don’t tell me you forgot? Well no oral coitus for you tonight then, you’ll have to read a blog post instead. That’s right BVGRONTI is now a year old. In that time we’ve taken the establishment to task and quite literally redefined objective journalism. Up is down and those that were first are now last. I could go on like this for some time in a self congratulatory manor tooting successes of the platform; like when we managed to shut down Ea by reviewing half life 2 or that time we and bruce willis flew a rocket ship to stop a meteorite impact.

Facile fantasies aside i thought it’d talk about some video games. The best videogame! The best video game to review on the internet. A game i, surprisingly, like.

Out on the open prairies a man and his mount can do great and terrible things. Well in reality you can herd cattle and catch Pellagra but lets not let such things weigh on our consideration. Brigands and bandits, outlaws and marauders, vagabonds and blackhats, desperadoes and ermm... outlaws. The old west was a cornucopia of NPC baddies that would charge fearlessly at expert time stopping gunmen that took perfect shots from atop galloping horses. History is wonderful.

Red dead redemption captures this feeling while integrating other unrealistic elements like depictions of rural frontier lifestyles, the conflict that arose from industrialisation and games of poker. I might be a bit of a stretch to say, and you’re welcome to call me an over analysing pretentious English teacher for suggesting it but i think, and it must stress that this is just my opinion, but i think the game might be borrowing the aesthetic and style of Sergio Leone in it’s own tribute to the spaghetti western genre that shows narrative and structural understanding of both the genre it’s depicting and the real events it references, the problems and anxieties displayed therein. Nah, you’re right probably just a brain fart on my part.

The main dude, who you play as (shocker), is a family man and farmer until one day ‘the man’ (not him) shows up to remind him he used to be a bad boy outlaw able to shoot the stubble from a man’s cheek at fifty paces and twang. Oh, that and your ol’ buds be causing a ruckus down on the prairie and they need a bit of midwestern hospitality to help them get acquainted with feeling of 9mm of a lead passing through their cerebellum.

Right so why is this game good then? I hear myself ask, reminding me to deliver on promised of the premise during the firsts half of the second section of the text; which with this overly meta segway has declared begun. Horse, i mean Horses! Or as cowboy’s called them de’m Ol’horsey thangies. Rich georgian accents aside the horseplay (horse-gameplay) in red dead really takes the peach, which is another was of saying ass, but not ass as in bad but as in a donkey, therein meaning reliable and trustworthy… the horseplay takes place upon a peachy ass.

Do the gameplay and graphic still hold up after eight year? First off its ‘does the gameplay’ and second how would i know? I’ve not played it in years, i’ve just idealised it in my head from a time where the way i experience things is very different to the way i feel now, and old games carry with them a sheen of my former self i feel entirely uncritical off. That and the xbox is currently held by my brother. Oh right, i can complain about that… not my brother, the game.

A surprisingly on topic notion right? Anyway i’m kind of ruining the fact i was sticking the point by, you know, not doing that. Yeah, i’ve wanted to play the game again and been unable to do so because i can’t be bothered to borrow the old eggs bogs. A port to the PC would have allowed be to expend capital to get around having to talk to people i’m related to - the entire point of currency in the first place, but No, rockstar games ever present in their omniscience held out on me, and so i will do the same, my undying rage with be the last star left winkling in the nights sky long after all others have succumb to entropy. As the strong force breaks down and matter begins its cold journey to a perfect timeless equilibrium, my rage will live on as a spark, radiant in the cosmic emptiness… I just called; he said maybe later.

The game is far from perfect, there are no assless chaps unless you count the lack off thick boi’s in the old west. You can tie people up with a lasso but this never compels them to tell the truth, this might be due to john marson not being of amazonian descent. I have written to the studio about this but still no word, guess that makes it a theory a theory theory, thanks for…

It is worth asking a question or two, what appeal do we find in the harsh and bitter life of the old west, what compels people to live in such in inhospitable climates or better yet what pushes people to live there in the first place. Well i can’t be bothered to google it, so i guess we’ll never know for sure but what i do know it that i’d rate this game: being just a comedic device to avoid firm commitments to a scoring system i’m not interested in, out of 10.

What insights can be gleamed about Esports after thinking about it during a early afternoon shower.

Capricious energy finds its way to my fingertips this morning. The juvenile thoughts of a grandeur fuel their relentless beat. A furied exchange of ideas took place last night which has frothed the tide of my mind to a swirl of flotsam and jetsam, that is to say: just a bunch of trash bobbing about in the water. This can only mean one thing! Another blog post will soon be born.

Recently a furry won the Dragon ball fighter Z tournament. Much in keeping the lore of the series where the president of the world is a actual dog, a notion only slightly less fantastical than our reality wherein ...(insert one of the hundred jokes about him you’ve all heard before, ect ect, roll on snare drum) The current state of fighter z and the social activities of it’s winner are beyond my interest for the moment, given the game currently costs more than a tenner and isn’t about ten years old; however what is now more than ten years old and only costs one's self respect is the wonderful world of Esports.

I do not watch Esports. Real gamers, like myself, listen to Beethoven while breaking into people's homes and drinking milk. This is normally not a problem except for the victims of my 60’s esq violent crusades of random sadism. That was a lie, no not the esports bit, the truth is i’ve never read a clockwork orange, let alone taken inspiration from it commit vile acts, which is less than i can say for skullgirls.

I think we got off topic there, which was for the best perhaps, you see in my disinterest i have come to form a view on the subject. Most of the debate if centred around the question of they could as real sports of not? I couldn't care less but i’m pretty they’re both equally worthwhile of disregard. No! That's hardly a interesting perspective. Blah blah i am talking about a thing i vaguely disprove of in a critical light, gosh i should write for the guardian's opinion column. Mind you even i would struggle to stay that inane. I’ll have a shower and think this through.

Here’s a novel concept for you, being overly invested something in something is bad. I can think of a couple examples off the top my head. Religion, The show friends, politics, stock markets and that new spice girls reunion.

Now for a seemingly unplanned detour. Sports professionals often inspire their fans to play the game for themselves. This is a useful because physically moving one's body is effort and hence something to be avoided if at all possible. Hence the players would otherwise not be doing so. When it comes to esports, however, the people who follow the competitive scene almost invariably play the game already, yet the professional player still inspire them to a greater or less extent. Here comes the gut punch, this wasn’t a tangent. With no barrier, like: having to put clothes on, not be a furry, or experiencing the harsh and unforgiving climate of a spring afternoon the #inspired gamer no external means for escalation.

Yet if they already play the game they still feel the need for an escalation. Some will buy a skin and call it a day while others will try harder. In so doing they will become a scourge on the gaming world. Tryhards! Sure those walking talking dick heads exist in everyday life too and are still best avoided but they also tend not to be the kind of backwards scum that plays video games then writes about it on the internet.

In games our agency is limited by incontrovertible rules, more so than in life, when it comes to the range of responses we can illicit albeit with lighter consequences. So when we try harder we run up against this hard limit which can only be overcome with skil, time or Random number generation. If that sounds frustrating you’ve been paying attention. Fortunately people online deal with frustration in a very mature and constructive manor, taking the time to talk to friends and family about what's bothering them while addressing the problems both internal and external with a considered and measured approach, hence there is no problem, none at all, so few problems in fact anyone who could in any way direct criticism towards games should be told to “krull demsurfs”

I mean this is all just probably, but apply chance to a large enough sample and you start to be able to put some power behind your predictions. I don’t know if you’ll have sex when the power cuts -actually that's not true because i’m pretty sure no one reading this has the option of coitus but you get my point...

Q: Aren’t you just using stereotypes and overly simplified psychology and a total absence of any data to draw a tenuous connection between two aspects of the culture while undermining yourself along the way.

A: couldn’t have put it better myself; but like i said, i should write for the guardian.

Q: don’t you think not bothering to explore other options is misleading, i mean to pin toxicity on such a simple mechanism is reductionist at best?

A: The readership are pretty easily manipulated and care more for a narrative than an objective presentation of facts around a certain thesis. The more i can play into one groups bias while inflaming the other more social capital i can gain.

Q: so who’s side are you on here?

A: Cloud9 Sneaky's cosplays 

Taking the Big shots to task! Reviewing the reviewers. An end to elitist smug?

Seldom is the day that i consider the appeal of the prose i spout, that day has still yet to come. I have instead formulated a brilliant cheap trick to bolster the attention it draws without improving in any way shape or form; Quite the opposite, this might make everything a lot worse. A fellow critic of the video games, recently put out a review of a horror game, called Persistence (the game is called persistence, not the critic (would it be weird if the game reviewed the critic?)). Ever since i’ve had a persistent urge to chide, mock or otherwise condescend to what is otherwise an entirely readable article, i can’t fathom why but i find it repulsive in a manor only matched by upper middle class suburbia.

The video game persistence is one i have forgone playing because that would have necessitated having heard about it before. The article states, “a trouser ruining horror” for the most part my trousers remain unruined. The exception being the time some kid left his half chewed gum on the bus seat where my derriere found itself, hence my fictitious nickname: gummybuns.

What isn’t fictitious is the zeal with which this sticky fingered Augustus gloop boasts his hardware and supposed refinement as a critic spouting such bollocks as “for my own sanity” and “shattering hours later” even going so far as to mention he was in possession of the fabled future technology “vr” i don’t believe in it, if i sellotape a screen to my face that doesn’t make it virtual reality, all it does is make me some rotund soft brained dirge believing in a future that will NEVER COME!

I didn’t mean for this to turn into a hit piece but if you wind up staggering around a tennis court in the middle of a match it’s rude to not at least try and take a swing at the ball. Speaking of court the supposed “website?” this article is hosted on doesn’t let my copy paste sections of the article, citing a DMCA protection. This might be to protect from people stealing his work but i could have always screenshotted the piece (piss) and uploaded that, leaving everyone none the wiser. ‘Me steal his work? I couldn’t have, it’s DMCA protected,’ is what i would say in court before trying to take a swing at the ball as the umpire tackles me to the ground screaming ‘are you the pervert that trashed the local music shop last year?’

2321 character deep, i refuse to press the backspace key that many times, so i have no choice but to press on. The writer clearly has a loose if not tenuous grip of the sciences, saying “delicious stem cells, Mmm” first off Mmm isn’t a word. I tried to play it once in scrabble and my opponent told me to ‘get of the tennis court there is a match in progress.’ Second is the issue of stem cells, they’re not delicious. They taste like mushrooms, a food upsupringly grown in shit. This would be a perfect opportunity to criticise the reviewers taste in games having set up the necessary elements for a witty little one liner but unlike that morlock faced reviewer i have no reason to stoop to cheap insults.

They claim the game was scary but also say things like “that encounter was pretty hilarious” clearly they know nothing about tonal consistency. You can’t put something totally out of place in a game like that or else. 22,000 children die of poverty each day, climate change is set to disproportionately affect the impoverished and without sustained efforts to slow the rate of change and help improve their means of subsistence this figure could increase.

The author rounds out his review with a brief three liner summary of what he was saying giving little thought the greater world around him as he does. He claims that “the game is not for the faint of heart” yet it is an escape from deeper more tragic truths that plague our world. This for once isn’t his fault, the games industry blah blah blah escapism, reality. Cyber space. Ready player one is bad reference you know all this already do i need to remind you?

The game reviewed didn’t have horses, nor did the review find a way to work horses into the narrative. In this at least i can outshine because my infiltration into the tennis court took place upon an equine mount.