The league of legends conspiracy: unmasked, disrobed and now totally nude.

I was, wasting time on / using, reddit when a message popped up in my inbox saying that i ought to review a new specific game or rather that i ought to apply to review a game that this person was associated with. While i haven’t bothered to reply for fear their refusal will shatter the bracket of glowing golden ego i am now cloaked in, i have however elected to share this detail with my adoring fans to keep them sure in the knowledge that i am too lazy to ‘sell out’ or ‘take my work seriously’ furthermore unto the quagmire.

League of legends is a powerful opioid drug manufactured by in a snowstorm by an as yet unnamed demigod for it’s nefarious scheme of destroying the world. Now if that sounds just a little unhinged to you then well done, you took that literally; you fucking idiot. That being said it’s time for me to don my tinfoil hat as i unravel the conspiracy of league of legends.

That sounded like a decent thing to say but i know next to nothing about conspiracies, which makes me remarkably well informed for a conspiracy theorist, but hey that’s just a set up for an reference, an internet reference. The game is a moba standing Massive oba (oba meaning ruler in the Yoruba language spoken in west africa) this initially didn’t seem to make a lot of sense until the game took a despotic turn eating up by free time and subjecting me to an endless tirade of debasing and humiliating experiences or as they are called in game: matches.

Each match lasts about as long as an episode of the X files but unlike the X files the truth isn’t out there all there is ‘out there’ is four angry teens out to talk shit about you... and the enemy team is there too. Talking about individual encounters or events that transpired during my playtime is much like trying to recall the events of a drunken night out. Ultimately i can’t decide if i had fun or not. So assume i did, maybe, i mean i‘m kind of sore and for some reason there's a bruise on my left cheek so… good times?

Much like a cult the game introduces strange and unhinged behaviours into the minds of it’s players. Sadism, antagonism, loathing and tantrums or SALT for short. Players on the losing team often exhibit symptoms of saltiness, seeing as they are collectively at a disadvantage though that won’t stop the instalocking AP jungle fizz from feeding because you didn’t give them half of all your minions and a kill every two minutes. It’s perfectly possible to win the game and feel nothing but puerile hatred for oneself and one’s team, this is called competitive mode in game. There’s also the possibility you’ll start spending a lot of money without gaining any tangible benefit, a fate i cleverly avoided by being broke.

Each game is structured like a story by laughably racist hp lovecraft. Each story starts normally enough with a long and boring tirade about geology and then bam! Madness, horrors beyond your own awareness and a light smattering of pseudo scientific racism and racial stereotypes. I’m pretty sure that latter elements are just dota trolls working to destabilise the game in a vile conspiracy to undermine the values the community... or i would be sure of that if it wasn’t half the darn player base demanding i provide them with oral satisfaction on the basis because they didn’t bother to ward the river.

After that all bets are off and the game progresses to the team fight stage. This is supposed to be part where the players engage in a bout of jolly cooperation. The reality is a cornucopia of decadent egotism that’d make even most vain regime on the planet blush with their comparatively meek sensibility. Tilted and salty individual attempt to interact with fellow teammates, this is about a friendly as starved chimps engaging in bare knuckle boxing. It is at this point where the illuminati wins… for some reason, i’m not sure why but if i keep reillterialing the point emphatically it will only serve to make my rational argument more solvent.

As of march there are 134 playable champions in the game, so we’ll say over 120 because that’s a nicer number and to be honest no one plays Skarner anyway. Apparently Mordekaiser is now the least played dude, i guess he is no longer neuero uno brazil. Mind you i’m not sure he ever was. Anyway, is that too many champions? Who knows? Pundits probably.

The game has lore but it’s about as meaningful as changing your profile picture on facebook to show solidarity with the current humanitarian disaster or star wars movie, i can’t remember if have heard this joke elsewhere but if i openly admit to the possibility of stealing it then it’s okay right? To say any more would be giving it more credit than it’s due, even this is a bit much. Anything more i ought to say? Probably but I’m not wildly interested in spending my sunday morning remembering when i could be watching the swallows in garden. Oh, Aram is a thing… it’s at least slightly less tryhard.

Over 120 champions and only one is a horse (half horse), now this is a conspiracy. I therefor rate this game. 0.5/about 120.