CS:GO: A fountain of dread

Last night was a tortuous affair, in my excitement at the clementless weather precipitating outside my window, I seized on an opportunity for a little R+R. That is Rum and Raisin ice cream. Only, i ate too much, slurped too hard, caressed the spoon with more passion that could be permissible in even the most debauch pornographic scene. I soon became intoxicated with the thrill, a back seat driver in my own consciousness and when the demons take over, hell will follow….

CS:GO is a gambling addiction simulator for kids and probably the second most masochistic game i’ve ever played. Slightly ahead of Dark souls and just behind bum hair fire fountain boogaloo. I once wrote a review of the game for my dear friend, The Sophititicated gamer. Though i could never live up to his standards of sophititicatedieness, I could name drop him in the second paragraph of my review of CS:GO as a meager attempt at gaining the support and adoration of his fanbase. sophititicatedienessismists are still out of my reach, for now it seems.

In a competitive game one team attempts to commit a terrorism in an improtue strike and the other team then tries to thwart the attempt in a sort of... counter strike. Simple enough. How could such a premise give rise to the infamous behemoth of steam we all know and despise. I could blame pretty much anything from the repetitive structure to Gabe’s love of knives. So i will, clearly this is the fault of the NRA, in the game you can buy guns without any background check or limitations from a catalogue that is clearly inspired by your local walmart. (i stole that joke)

Even if you’ve committed offenses before like using an improvised explosive to destroy part of venice you will not be denied sale. Children, yes young innocent children inspired by violence on the news and on their streets take to the game in droves to reenact the violent and sadistic behaviour of their peers and parents. Lawmakers have failed to act to shut down the violence that is spilling over from the real world into the virtual.

In an interview i made up for convenience with myself. i said a number of things that clearly supported my premise and didn’t at all stretch this sensationalism driven piece out into a extended advert for my political views.
Righty ho, now your all boiled up to some Mccarthyism level paranoia. (Melissa McCarthy i’m onto you) we can now discuss the real game in CSGO: this is my guide on how to BM (bad manners). The true path to victory in any sport is the to undermine the psychology of your adversary. In the old analogue days of two player split screen this was simple.
 “How does social contract theory assume our consent when a small minority will always refuse but are not given way to exercise such action and are then not compensated in turn for the subversion of their inalienable rights.”

This would normally cause the other player to leave out of boredom and this victory was yours forevermore. If you made it through the entire sentence without tearing up you are a stronger Yeti than I.

These days, unlike the better day of my nostalgic youth, the kids don’t have the attention span for anything that isn’t racist vitriol or… the current youtube controversy of the day. #futureproof. I can’t condone using either of those to get their attention because i am too busy writing a review where i teach people how to be toxic in a Videogame…

Okay, it’s half an hour later and after starring in the mirror listening to needle in the hay on loop i can conclude the existential angst the prior paragraphs have caused are somewhat protional to the subject matter. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgNgvCLRqWc)

How can i be a true advocate for a medium or subject while being self-critical or even critical of aspects of the subject. The objective truth is i can’t. If you’re not of higher moral virtue than everyone else your views don’t matter or you are in fact an indictment of things you are a proponent of. Chase the approval of other desperately, avoid introspection and conceal any ernest views you have with sarcasm and doublespeak. Avoid direct cries for help at all cost and you continue to churn out sub par content in a oversaturated medium in a fleeting attempt to gain popularity and for God’s sake! make sure when the cracks in your resolve start to show they think that it was all part of some half baked joke you took too far. LOL!

Csgo: Good if you’re drunk.