Faster than light: how one game exposed the lies at the heart of the games industry

The problem with extended caffeine use is the slow but inevitable erosion of one's connection to their calmer self. Even the most innocuous inquires become loud bombastic cries from the steeples of notre dame. The idea of having any thoughts that don’t race through one's mind quicker than they can be scribbled down starts to seem foreign, a experience that only other people have, and the idea of stoppeing brings with it the dread of knowing that for a day or two, one will be transmogrified into a shell-less one inch gastropod. Sounds a bit sci fi really, speaking of which have you played FTL?

I have, engaging with the media in question is a foundational component in forming an opinion about something, along with sacrificing goats and sipping kool aid. Though some just make do with the latter. Speaking of opinions and FTL, i am writing of a review of it. You’re reading that review right now. Ftl- as in Faster than light is a game that’ll make physicists froth at the mouth, namely at it’s unrealistic depiction of space. It’s treated as a cold heartless vacuum filled with meteors, nebula and really hot bright things that they don’t bother to name in game, another example of flabby and poorly thought out worldbuilding, it isn’t even hard: TVtropes.org has all the tropes you’ll ever need, then combine a few with the current thing that you’re really into and you’ll have a fresh new idea.

In this universe your encounters, and hits are determined by chance. But as Albert Einstein said “god doesn’t play dice with the universe” clearly these two statements are at odds with one another, either god is truly dead, or has decided to slack off a bit since Bert’s day. Now that is applied physics if i ever saw it, beam me up scotty.

If god is dead then what limits remain in place to stop us procreating with other more exotic forms of life. Can i mate with a mantis? Should i bring protective headwear? And how will they reciprocate with those sharp pointy mandibles? It was with these questions in mind that i set off on the maiden voyage of Uss lyes.

At the helm the devilishly handsome ziggy stardust. Space commander: bruce willis took over tactical after his recent transfer from the yippee ki yay and his trusty sidekick ben batfleck was in engineering trying to reinvigorate his career as it collided with a meteor, what a daredevil. The crew settled into their roles and got ready for their first FTL jump. They arrived at planet populated by spiders called planet spider, an ill advised colony of robots were in the middle of evacuating so they sent down ziggy to help, in the end he formed a band with the spiders but their practice session conflicted with the crew’s poker night, so he left.

Several jumps later they were boarded a group of mantis men on a stag do. they began tearing up the engineering, were uncooperative when asked to fill in a questionnaire about their mating practices and became demonstratively violent towards to the crew, who bravely hid in sickbay while they vented the air into space. This raises another one of those sci fi questions. Does the Geneva convention apply in space? And does it cover mantis men on a stag do? If their mating practice involves the wholesale slaughter of a bald space primates are we kinkshaming them or introducing them to auto erotic asphyxiation?

Next came a space battle, which were originally modelled, at least in part, on submarine movies. Which are apparently a thing. Wouldn’t the actors get wet during filming? Maybe they CGI them in, but then does CGI work underwater, Questions for a film critics. The point is i’d forgotten to repair the life support system so everyone died after torpedo, space speak for missile blew a hole in the side of the hull, well they were going to die anyway due to a lack of oxygen, but it wasn’t peaceful is what i’m trying to get across here.

This left me with some lingering questions, will these being face a eternity of non-existence? Will they remain stranded in purgatory for all time? Is asking questions all sci fi is able to do? Can i now, having experience this game write something that isn’t a question? What would something that wasn’t a question even look like? How can we come to terms with a eternity of questions? Dunno, but it’s kinda cool to think about.