I hit a dry spell, not a sexual dry spell of course i still bed upwards of twenty of the finest sexual specimens the multiverse has ever yielded but a writing dry spell and oh boy have i been pent up. I stare at my keyboard with a lustful male gaze that’d make a prostate exam taking place centre stage at prison of your choosing feel like a smile from stranger in the street. I awake in the middle of the night to find outlines and character development sheets staining my bed, my so called nocturnal emissions have become so problematic i’ve taken to attaching a bell to my pens to wake myself before the deed can be done. What does that have to do with dishonored you might ask? I could answer that i’ve been desperate to talk about it, but it’s not true, i picked it as a topic five minutes ago and even now i’m not sure what i’m going to say about it. So without further ado, further ado.
Dishonored starts with blah blah blah boat hide and sneak stab stab magic prison bang. Unlike the game it only took my one sentence to set that up rather than a brutally slow walking simulator demo. I could use this as an aside to talk about walking simulators, i might. I’m considering it… nah, but i reserve the right to come back to it to fluff my word count if i so choose. The game is fun, i think. When i first played it i was a nervous shut in who never left his room… now i’m… oh shit. Moving on.
The game is set in a steampunk alternate victorian city but instead of being that trash brass steampunk that pillocks on the internet seem to be into it’s retro half life 2. Where the peoples faces are about as haunting as the looming fear of spring heel jack leaping from the london cobbles into your hackney cab brandishing a knife and loot box, ha ha topical joke about loot boxes in the games industry at the moment, no one has made on one those in a while. Haha self commentary meta joke i haven't made one of those in while, haha endless loop of meta self reference that wasn’t funny to begin with, i’ve gone cross eyed.
Speaking of spring heel jack, you play as some dude with no voice and apparently a backstory, go figure. Also you has super powers. Gods, good and evil and a plague blah blah plot. The details aren't important you can stop time maybe if you level it up. Thought if you could stop time stopping to take in the details of something seems a lot more practical. You can only do so for 2 seconds but in that time you can still lineup enough projectiles from the repeating crossbow to kill four dudes and still leave time for a long monologue about destroying their bloodline or a yare yare daze. Ironically enough i spent a lot of time using the ability…
There’s also a basic teleport ability but your character doesn’t whisper “no hard feeling kid” when he jumps behind someone, i don’t know if this is a bug or an issue with my audio card but i’ve been on the forums, i’ve tried verifying my game cache and reinstalling the game but no luck. If anyone knows about how to fix it please let me know, this is very important to me. It feels like a major part of the experience is missing for me
The game also has moral choice elements, but all games made five years ago had those. It kind of effects the game in the sense that more bodies = more rats. The rats don’t keep talking about gathering for whiskey and cigars however and the fact the guards never bother to invite me is very hurtful. So much so that it almost justifies knocking them unconscious before dragging them up the a third story window ledge and letting them fall to their death, which according to the game isn’t an immoral act…
Complaint number whatever: where are my horse drawn carriages? The whole appeal of history is exploring the question, what if horses were still useful? In dishonored they use two story tall mechanical prosthetic legs instead… i didn’t find a single horse anywhere. Human history is the struggle to find new and more innovative uses for horses. Horses pulled down the berlin wall, they manned the ships at the bay of pigs, they broke the siege at stalingrad and i’m pretty sure a serbian horse shot franz ferdinand, not a huge fan of their stuff but some people got quite angry about it, guy has a nice tash. Without horses we may as well be at a village fête. Ms phyllis’ jam preserve may not allow me stop time, teleport or do the staby staby but it certainly spreads well on granary.
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