Gamers are stupid, graphics are stupid and horses are alright: i discuss mount and blade: Napoleonic wars

Gunpowder is to warfare what sliced bread is to analogies, the best thing since sliced bread. I could talk about the obvious comparison with the bow, its impact on european warfare and army sizes or it’s roll in the formation of democracies but i know my audience is too stupid to engage with that sort of thing and i feel unreserved contempt for them because of it. As we all know people who review games have an Arbitrary. Scaling. Hierarchical. Intelligence. Total. (ASHIT) rating of somewhere between Sherlock Holmes and Dr House MD. but as an ardent populist and liar afraid to show my unequaled contempt, i don’t give ASHIT. Why? Gunpowder… and now we’ve come full circle let war commence.

It’s been proven in studies carried out by an unnamed and somewhat fictional professor residing in my loose caffeine fueled machinations that the best game to ever be made is: mount and blade: warband: napoleonic wars, An expansion for the second best game ever made whose title somewhat eludes me(and no not PONG). This game, the first one (no not pong, i mean the first i referred to, yes i know there are sherlock holmes games but i meant in this paragraph) where was i?

Oh yes, napoleonic wars. It great, i mean really nothing quite compares with defending helms deep from the onslaught of the prussian army. This isn’t just a simple free for all like most shooters, well it is but everyone pretends it’s not and that makes all the difference. People form squads, lead by idiots that charge straight into a river, dampening your powder just in time for the austrian cavalry to encircle you…  it’s pretty accurate stuff. The use of tactics is minimal, your gun fires once every twenty seconds and a player called angela merkel is likely to snipe you with a mortar nearly a mile back from the actual fighting. Which i’m told isn’t a metaphor for germany’s economic influence.

So why do i like this game? On paper this shouldn’t be nearly as good as it comes to be in practice. The answer is simple, spirituality. This game is a vehicle for the transcendence of the limited bounds of consciousness, as you hear the drums pound articulating the mighty roar of russian muskets and the rich smell of sulfur on the wind. Your mind is distorted and enhanced taken to a place a serenity and balance, a lot like iowaska including the effect of shitting yourself as a lancer shovels his lance into your still beating heart. Dying and being reborn in a constant cycle of ego death as the chat spews toxic insults that’d make 4chan blush. It’s heavenly!

It's not all blood and carnage, i’ve spend time playing the piano while the french storm the farmhouse i’m taking shelter in. i’ve written letters home to mother in quiet contemplation of my own death, stiff upper lip and breechers pulled tort. Few games offer experiences so tangible with graphics so dated. OH SHIT, i mentioned graphics. Alright time to have it out: graphics are bad and you should feel bad for liking them. This a black and white issue, go do technicolor in your own time. There’s no middle ground or message about focusing on gameplay first, or admitting spectacle might have some place in the medium, anything that isn’t eye scratching low poly is literally strangling the games industry and the cause behind the zika virus.

Lets total up the good things about this game to give an objective score so metacritic… meta? Metta get ready! Urghh… i think i just did a minisick and still tastes like last nights field rations. I swear the general is mixing in horsemeat. Speaking of which the game has horses, which you might have guessed from my mention of cavalry but never discount the possibility the games industry will try to pass off two halves of a coconut as a horse. I’ve heard lots about how they can be mean and am surprised they don’t try it more often. The game has guns, albeit ones with the accuracy of a daily mail article but none of the reach. Can you fire a gun on a horse? Yes but it’s about as a effective as a water pistol and their line infantry will only miss so many times. So i’ll give it The weight of human suffering in the name of nationalism/ 10.

If you choose to play this game, be warned merkel awaits, she hasn’t won re-election so many times from her political guile alone… some say she’s unkillable, others say her leadership has positioned her as the de facto leader of the EU, i could keep reading the wiki… but the bugles just sounded and it’s time to charge… time for me to become another casualty of progress… i should have stuck to pong... and not giving ASHIT

Half-life 2: a cultural touch stone or something that could be improved with loot boxes?

Quick question: who would you rather play as? a time travelling cyborg cop with amnesia whose wife has been murdered and he must seek vengeance. Or play as some dude with a hat, not even a particularly good one. Game devs face decisions like this everyday or they would if the corporate overlords would let them. Ever since the original board game clue was invented people has struggled with weaving compelling narratives into their games without someone yelling ‘ludo-narrative dissonance’ at them. The only dissonance here is my having to google what the words means, which i clearly haven’t done. Is that meant to be the dissonance? I actually don’t know.

A Popular choice is the silent protagonist. People always remember characters like James (SH2) and the other ones with fond feelings and pyramid head am i right? Yes. Rhetorical devices aside i think it’s time i tackle half life 2. Back before you were born valve made games. History lessons aside, the game has you play a Gordon Freeman a dude who has made some questionable choices in his back story and must face them by going to the town of silent hill. Allusions to earlier jokes aside.

Yeah i’m struggling with this one, i mean what do i say. Reviewing is really hard. How can i talk about a game that i haven’t played since july of 2012. If i logged on now would Gordon have started a family with Barney? Do they allow for gay marriage in the half life world? Would not allowing it be enough to stop mr freeman and mr freeman from entering into loving matrimony also is that what the G in G-man stands for?  I have so many questions and it’s not even installed, okay that's a lie but i’m still not going to play it. You see for as long as i don’t, the possibilities are infinite and no reality can ever match the unspoiled potential of infinite possibilities, which is why i am pro-abortion.

Me and father grigori never saw eye to eye. Until i flung a saw at his eye then he dropped some ammo but completely gave up on giving me spiritual advice. Kleiner and i used to go down the local strip club and spread around the fake dollar bills he cooked up in the lab. It was such a sweet and simple time, you too probably have fun memories that’d form the ideal basis for a thirty minute sitcom format and after all isn’t that what half life was really about?

Did they ever explain the thing about the antlions or were we just meant to not really give a dam. I mean the models were cool and all but it just this one underling thing that stops the series from feeling complete to me, it's a glaring hole now that i think about it. There's so much that hinges on it and it’s just left unanswered. It's a huge cliff hanger that is begging for something to tie it neatly up. WHATS UP WITH THE ANTLIONS VALVE? WHY WON’T YOU TELL US, WHAT ARE YOU HIDING BEHIND THAT STORE FRONT?