I wrote a review of Civ 5 a few years ago. My fever addled brain cannot begin to comprehend the fuckery I was laying down at the time. I think something is terribly wrong with anyone who writes in such a fashion. And yet. Maybe I've improved, time will tell. I’m a little poorly right now, so we'll see how this pans out. Here’s the story of my recent playthrough:
Part one, one hundred ninety turns in the splendid shell of isolation. As the name implies the first few hours (2000 years) were spent in a state of peace. Siam to my north had the Hun to their north; meaning that if they ever dared attack me they would be unable to hold off the inevitable opportunism of their far greater foe. The Ottomans to their south, myself, were just hiding away peacefully in a sweet shell of solitude; after all why would that ever be a cause for concern?
Act one, normally I don't play quite so passive, but I had no natural resources, no iron and only a few crabs. You can’t make war with just crabs, believe me. The continent was covered in a thicket of impenetrable forest. This meant I had nothing of value to anyone else. So whilst the Hun gobbled up the polish, I sat and read Tolstoy in the hope of growing my borders. Whilst making a modest profit selling crabs and industrializing the interior.
All alone I decided to found an Islamic sect called Ultraliberalism, to reflect the fact I had no friends. A core tenant of which its followers had to pay a tithe, which isn’t taxation because it’s spelt differently. My early emergence into the world oceans didn’t initially result in my building a huge navy, as was my habit, for the simple reason that I still had no iron. Ironic really.
Instead I focused on trade and fostering good relations, cleaning the coastline of pirates, all the better to trade with you, and exploring the oceans, seeking new lands, where resources were to be more plentiful. As I traced the shape of the land and sea beyond, I settled small colonies that I hoped might be close to strategic resources.
I should note, by the start of the 1810’s I had already built my first submarines and had one sat off the coast of Attila's court watching the triremes come and go. My coffers were fuller than a TB ward in Victorian London, and I had the industrial output to match. It was fair to say I was sufficiently advanced, but I was getting towards the maximum output one could hope for only four cities.
As my podcast on the build up to ww1 entered its stride, I too made preparations for war. I had acquired oil, and lots of it. Naturally, being both smug and English i felt a good fleet was necessarily twice the size of Germany's. Then came my caucus belli. I saw American settlers coming to intrude upon my precious isolation, so I warned them not to settle near me, but my words fell on deaf ears. My next utterances would not be so easy to ignore, be they through the muzzle of cannon.
Act 2. On the morning July 3rd of 1858, Boston harbour was set upon by a cannonade from 8 battleships, as the dawn's early light rose it exposed a city in flames. An ottoman destroyer had seized the city, but it had quickly changed hands. It had been given to the Germans, in exchange for their joining the war on my side. The Americans lost five cities during that war, including the little pesky colony they had set up near my homeland.
Simultaneously, I had bribed the Huns to join in the war. And they had belatedly deployed an attack force to sea. It was five turns out of port when I also enticed them to attack Siam; the Huns were gluttons for war. Stretched thin after declaring against two minor powers, with their fleets away to sea, yet more of my battleships emerged from the fog of war to sink them in a bloody double crossing massacre. The Ottomans only pay a third of the upkeep cost on navy units, so I hadn't just built one fleet, I built three.
The submarine off their coast began sinking frigates as my fleet arrived and swiftly took control of the capital. It was then that I noticed the Hunnic territory was overrun with rebel forces, and that they had sent most of their remaining army down to Siam. So I decided, benevolently, to liberate Siam's capital in the name of freedom and co-operation. Which cleared away my warmonger penalty and set me up as a great liberator, I love freedom.
Seeing the Hunnic state had mismanaged its diplomatic and local affairs, I had no choice but to stabilize the region, and set up a restored rump Polish state that I came to call the duchy of Warsaw. I did this out of kindness and love of the Polish nation and not because I wanted a buffer against Sweden. All the while the other powers praised me for showing the warlike Hun's what for.
It was about this time other cultures were no longer termed friendly, or guarded; but scared or guarded. I was still selling crab for eight gold per turn, but now with the lingering threat of a nuclear holocaust the mood turned noticeably more apprehensive. They dared not touch me, I was selling them a lot of crab, all my cities were sat on the coast and so I gathered enough to slake the world's thirst for crab. The pincers of economic necessity gripped them so tight the idea of rebellion became impossible.
Conflict destroyed resources, a lack of resources led to unhappiness, so they turned to me to sell them enough crab to keep their people plied, which kept them poor, fuelling yet more conflict. He who controls the crab controls the world. Through the stalked eyes of my colonies I saw all that was wrong in the world and knew Carcinization was at hand.
It was fine.
Act 3. I was setting up an easy space victory when German decided to denounce me. Now, I should explain that a little world war was taking place between the powers of freedom and order. And that I was the only freedom power sitting it out because I wanted to max out my trade. Despite our ideological differences German and I had been firm friends, we had clowned America together, and I had sold them crabs for eight gold per turn.
But now they felt the need to insult me; to question my benevolence, peacefulness and just rule. I waited until their fleet was mid transit before I began my five fold attack pincer. A global trade embargo, nothing major. An invasion from the north, sensible. A sea attack in the south, necessary. A submarine ambush in the open ocean, cunning, and a nuclear firestorm in their heartlands. Some might debate the necessity, but I would like to remind those readers they had it coming; none escape the bucket, not before me.
CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB CRAB.
And that’s my civ 5 experience. No, I won’t play six,
