Star wars: faillen to place my order

Star wars fallen order. It’s time I beat the embargo for that lucrative click currency, reviewing the latest jedi’em up from the george lucas’s transplanted teet. Imagine for a moment if you will the akria-like sprawling mass of disney’s corpus made manifest. The faces of significant pop culture icons popping in and out of existence along it’s flesh meshed with circuitry surface. It howls, growing ever larger until the combined fictional creativity of the human race is folded into a single extended universe, finally becoming self sufficient and breaking away from the human psyche leaving us mindless animal husks once more. A world where emma watson’s self coupled bella has to team up with wolverine in order to erase song of the south and other racist projects form the disney multiverse all the while Goofy and Martin Scorsese tries to stop them for reasons…

 This is starting to sound like kingdom hearts 4.

So what have I learnt having not actually played the game? Well quite a lot, surprisingly. This isn’t the first in between the 3rd and 4th films that has ever been made and it’s a real contrast in tone and presentation. I didn’t mean to blunder into this point but i may as well run with it. A while back, who the hell does research these days, force unleashed came out, and it was frickin edgy. Well not really, it was just you playing as the bad guy, about as edgy as the song about bad persons that was popular a few months ago.

The trailer for which is the protag making a star destroyer do a backflip or some such using some kind of energy field that binds that universe… fricken stupid idea. Any way contrast that with the CAMERON MONAGHAN face being front and centre teasing some back and forth adventure that seems more in line in tone with the star wars in general.

Force unleashed was, nothing more sophist than a crazed power fantasy about being the F’ning stronk. Little emphasis on narrative, and more interest in letting carrie (not the fisher) loose on the various planets of the star wars. Fallen order by contrast seems to play it’s power fantasy more in line with the films and even goes as far as to suggest the protag might be on the backfoot in the proceedings.wow much story very doge meme

What happened in the last 11 years that made this shift happen. When did we stop giving a shit about cardboard cutout characters whose sole defining trait is that they are strong? Is this a shift in political orientation? A recognition of the fragility of hero’s or a storytelling technique to get us invested? I mean one could make a case for any of these but think that would be looking at things too broadly.

Let us taste the porridge i feel to be just right. The raw be strong power fantasy stills exists, just not in the star wars. It’s home is with the also Disney owned marvel form; they’re better at it, it’s what their comics have gotten reasonably competent at conveying it and they sometimes even throw characterisation in for good measure.
Simply i think it’s Disney making sure to keep it’s properties divergent enough so at not to double dip the market too heavily. As such the power level of star wars has been stripped back at least as far as the protagonists are concerned while the marvel films feel no such constraint. The scales of the action is different in each, as well as them sharpening the central hook of the star wars. The dream of you, yourself being a Jedi, a fantasy that isn’t sold on how powerful you’ll be but on it’s accessibility and how people learn to do it. Hence why they ditched the royal lineage business largely and focus on schmucks learning to be heroes. Whereas marvel is about hero’s learning not to be schmucks.

Will fallen jedi be a good game? The hell if i know, i admit i don’t own a copy and have hardly seen the trailers, heck I didn't even have a hot take until I started writing this when I tweeted to my friend about doing so as a joke in less than an hour ago, this is all horrendously un and ill conceived. A foam of the top of the head ramble. Why are you still reading this, go and pine for the fjords, GO AWAY, I’M DONE, RANT OVER. stop reading. I mean it, there’s nothing more to read here. I don’t intend to convey anything else of worth or note. It’s not like i’m just stalling for time before a big reveal because I'm really not. It’s a farce that you’ve kept going this long and it’s really starting to wind me up. I’m not sure epistien killed himself. There I said it now go eat grass!

Elder scrolls four: Video game nostalgia Boogaloo

It’s always better to rehash the old rather than envisage a new way forward. I was born twenty something years ago, I have been king of video game blogger scene for two years, But for all these years I've never been the ruler of my own Memes. I had seen the gates of the Twitter DMs, beyond which no waking eye may see. Behold, in dankness a doom swoops the land. This is the 27th of last seed. The year of Macintosh 420. These are the closing days of the Third era... And the final hours of my life...

The review of oblivion i did two years ago was shit. Do you remember? No of course you don’t, it wasn’t worth remembering consigned to the dustbin of my low effort shitposts, which is most of them; but this one stands out as the epitome of everything wrong with the blogger king. Have i learn anything from it? Of course not, but am i still too emotionally immature to let the matter go? well it feels like you know me, me.

Our (tail) tale begins in the months leading up the release of Skyrimjobs, a good, dear, well loved friend of mine… well he’s alright i suppose, suggested I play oblivion and so in an act of generosity lent me copy. This was about the time my grades started to dip. Going in all I was told was to avoid levelling up if at all possible, a tantalising endorsement of the much loved classic game.

One might expect that in my curiosity I would defy this meta law and instead plummet myself into a miasma of power levelling fever. I however am a chronically incurious sort, hobbitish to a fault. A man whose lineage is longer than his list of deeds. so I played as a khajiit with a proficiency for jumping, or as I called him at the time a bing boing kitty cat. With levelling out of mind i just got stuck into the game running around swing my barbed shortsword at whatever red dot happened to appear on screen.
Or I would have, were i not in prison.

A slight complication; i was innocent, I knew that much but all the other prisoners insisted likewise which didn’t help my case. Eventually patrick stewart turned up and declared me to be the one from his dreams. Not one to question the whims of a clearly unhinged aging despot i followed along as the poor guy was shanked for failing to give his share of cigarettes or some such. In his dying moments he gave me the Amulet of (mcguffin) kings and claimed the world would be overrun by demons if I didn't get it to his illegitimate son.

I know monarchs and other rulers like to project the idea that the world will end without them but this felt a little on the nose, yet I had nothing else pencilled in for my afternoon, other than snorting heinous amounts of moon sugar until my snout looked like the dunes of elsweyr, so i escaped through a sewer fighting enlarged rats, i wonder if i got a bonus against then, given i was a cat?

The land of cyrodiil is a pretty little forest dotted over with patches of arable grassland, it habits are very much those of the classical medieval fantasy, with a fighters, mages and thieves guild all swanning about the place. After starting my way along the main quest line, via a quick chat with Sean bean (the bastard son of the king, therefore: Sean fitzroy) i quickly got immersed into the story... of a Cat who ignored the plight of the people in favour of ducking about. A Dickensian classic.

With a fresh face and battle in my heart I turned up to the doors of the fighters guild and tried to sign up, they said no. on the count of me being a murderer, they didn’t seem to know about my pre-prison crime(s) but I had, since leaving, given a couple of ne'er-do-well (people minding their own business) a rough shake down. This marks the start of my descent into the criminal underworld. I could have used my unhinged violence for the greater good but was deprived of the chance, disenfranchised and impoverished leading my desperate moon sugar craving ass to join the “dark brotherhood”

Unlike skyrim there is some thinking to do when planning a murder, often i would sit back at a distance and stalk my prey, learning their habits and trying to find a place to get them alone for a quick chat, with the tip of my knife. The guards are not easy to escape and provide a real deterrent against outright stabbings, especially when one is trapped at level 3. I soon learnt that one only levels up upon sleeping, hence i became the insomniac bing boing kitty cat: murderer of the accused: seeker of moon sugar: daddy of dragons: breaker of spleens. 

Then the entire plot of scar-face played out.

Enough tales of tails, let's swing over some broad points then go home? The voice acting is incredible, for even at the time it was generic and kind of shoddy. American accents roam the land with all the brazen indifference of the actual Americans. The Npc’s occtionally follow their scripts to do some truly weird shit that leads them to be murdered before your eyes. All the dungeons are copy pasted and weapons are quickly worn down to blunted sticks. A Dickensian classic.

This game however is good in spite of itself, it’s rough in places but that comes with was in 2006 a massively ambitious game, with that roughness comes the solidity of the old school RPG’s that are so hard to get into now: in that sense that game is like a cats barbed penis. Actually no, not that at all, that’s a blooming awful thing to write but I can't bring myself to write anything else in its place. I will end the review here to i can go throw up.

Barbed cat penis/10