If you gather a group of XXX rated hardcore videogame freaks in a room, but why would you; it might take a minute, it might take an hour, it might take all night but someone is going to blur out a racial slur.
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Jesus christ, this is taking a while. I’ll go make a cup of tea.
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Oh it’s bugged out, back to the start then. Grand theft auto five warrants a full, luscious and silky review. Horns, trumpets and maybe a bass guitar for that swing slam hit. Shame i’m not doing it today, the loading times are too long and i’m not skipping steps. I’ve not reviewed a gta game since the edge of 2017 but that will by no means break my stride.
So now i need to do a check notes jokes to *checks notes* maintain a facade of spontaneity. Right.
Have you ever been driving along a busy highway only for your car to, without warning, spin out, roll, catch fire and then explode… ruining your no claims bonus and forcing you to drive a fucking micra that smells like cigarette buts and an acrid vanilla haze. This is the Grand theft auto four experience. I used to think it was just my club hands awkwardly smashing the controller as my voice broke and I realised boobies were a form of high art but have since found it to be a universal motif.
I played a lot of this game during my formative years, so take it from me when I say the cars handle like hot ass. Not that i’ve had much occasion to handle hot ass, but well, you’know.
The game is grey and dreary. Is the name of the prompt I was using to outline this paragraph, i thought it succinct enough to use as an opener. In terms of design it peak 2008 gritty washed out dreariness.. Which means none of the game’s scenery really stands out for me in any meaningful way, despite me knowing my way around town even now. It’s like learning your way around a bog, a very relatable experience for all my readers I'm sure, you crettins.
The game was kind of a pain in the ass too. It was a lot of driving, go figure, well no let me take that from the top, no? Well i will anyway, driving at triple digits along some kind of lakeshore drive while swerving in an out of traffic, such things are the prize opale of the experience but what gta4 had was traffic, more jams than a lonely grandma’s pantry and toll booths to boot. They hit the realism cue right on the nail’s head and drove it through the sternum to rupture the heart of the fun, killing it, fairly dead, not to be revived.
Well that’s if you don’t want to be shot at by pigs, which lets face it, we’re all kind of hoping for at this point. I had an officer of the law waltz into my work 5 minutes before closing.
“We caught you just in time” he said.
“Am I being detained?”
“Well you don’t close until 10 right?,”
“Don’t try and mindfuck me pig, i know my rights,”
When you do a crime in the game, any crime the popo come around and try to bust you up. This was the days before Immigration and Customs Enforcement, so the law was generally armed with low calibre weapons that gave the criminal a fighting chance rather than the modern drone strikes that level a block in baltimore twice a week. Don’t ask me to cite a source for that i made it up.
This is when the game is at its peak, the thrill of the chase, the eternal dogged pursuit that pits man against man in the game of the deadliest… game. The more you do a crime the more they send black vans and helicopters to swat you in a section what would make news editors pants pop up like a teepee. All of which is entirely freeform as set you your choice of soundtrack via the radio. The game even has the option to switch to a cinematic camera that swaps between low angle shots of the cars wheels and top down views that will almost certainly lead one to crash.
The story mission were frustrating. Yeah, that point makes itself, a lot of it was fun; but it’s the dog turds in the punch that ruins the party for all the guests, who now have roundworm: the larvae of which can cause blindness.
That being said missions and the story of the game were entirely secondary to its appeal. Weirdly enough a game called grand theft auto makes is mark with… bowling.
That’s right, you can go bowling, you can take your friends bowling and they will try and out bowl you, it’s a striking minigame that’s real show stealer, I'm split as to whether it’s revolutionary or just utterly outstanding. Niko, the umm.. Player character, can be down and out having just had the ass kicking of his life, then in a fit of pure impulse, spend the next three days bowling his life out until he plays the perfect game.
This review is getting a bit girthy so let's wrap it up with the next paragraph.
The end.
That being said missions and the story of the game were entirely secondary to its appeal. Weirdly enough a game called grand theft auto makes is mark with… bowling.
That’s right, you can go bowling, you can take your friends bowling and they will try and out bowl you, it’s a striking minigame that’s real show stealer, I'm split as to whether it’s revolutionary or just utterly outstanding. Niko, the umm.. Player character, can be down and out having just had the ass kicking of his life, then in a fit of pure impulse, spend the next three days bowling his life out until he plays the perfect game.
This review is getting a bit girthy so let's wrap it up with the next paragraph.
The end.
