Steamy sales and Burgess shales. When it's cold, it hails and out comes the snails.

As I nibble on a pan au chocolat, piping hot and fresh from the oven, I become concerned with, another nibble, the dread baron of gaming events that has begun today, or possibly yesterday while I was out. In 1909, Burgess shale was discovered. It contained fossilised creatures from a time early in earth’s history, the Burgess shale contains many unique and bizarre specimens which science, in the intervening century and a decade, has failed to turn into a living Lazarus theme park. Representing the largest failure of frog DNA to date. This however pales in comparison to the real shale, the steam sale and it’s ongoing circus of spending memes.

Okay, so in my talking about this i am in fact drawing attention to it’s happening and benefiting gabe by doing so. Most people, and use the term loosely because I am referring to journalists, which is also fairly loose because i am referring to videogames… let’s start over. Troglodytes can content themselves with knowing the foot traffic they get from their topicality if what keeps the lights on in their subterranean swamps.

That itself is an oversimplification, but one I am willing to use because the written word with all it’s infinite combinations of corncob whiskery was not designed for nuance. Oh god i’ve invoked my mystic word of total smug. I guess we have to go deeper.

The meta discussion about that is and isn’t news, in relation to riding popular events and dwelling on community staples, like the steam sales, has been a wing of self aware troglodytes corncob whiskery since some point, i’m not really sure when, i’m not going to do any research for this paragraph so just take my word for it if you like. Or don’t, it doesn’t matter. I might be “Writing to persuade,” but like a gcse student in an english exam really i’m just trying to get through this without farting too loudly.

Right so as I was saying, the steam sales, yeah nothing really jumped out at me this year. When I was a child, I thought as a child thinks and brought things in much the same way a child does. Impulse buying is now something I consciously try and avoid, though not always successfully, I recently splurged on a reduced 9p carton of yogurt. The guilt for which is still haunting my dreams.

You see the issue is, and this is my gripe with the whole reporting on open events, that the reporting replaces having your own dumb thoughts with another tossers dumb thoughts, or worse having two sets of inane thoughts about the same thing. It doesn’t matter how many sets of babble you’ve read about the latest episode of whatever. Not in the sense of there is no intrinsic value, or that there is more meaningful things one could be doing, but that doing so isn’t additive to the experience. That’s not my opinion that’s a fact!

That being said, not all topical content is inane, there are some really good bits of media analysis out there. None of which start with “top 5 hidden gnomes in the new spiderman trailer”
I am currently refusing to look up any reviews or articles pertaining to the show I am currently watching, instead i just think about it a bunch because i am really sad, but also because I think I'm better than everyone else and have a general disdain for modern media trends.

Deep down i’d rather have spent the last page splurging out about how into this show i am, well not even that deep really because i am explicitly fucking telling you that.

Social media buzz implies we are all bees, honey bees or bumble bees it doesn’t matter. we all do our complex honey dance pointing each other towards perspective sources of nourishment. In this analogy I am a fumigator whose equipment doesn’t work and hence has had to resort to spitting phlegm and bile on the hive.

Destination E3: phantom plain

9:16am, i’ve been up for about twenty minutes. Hopefully the today’s topic will come to me as i void my bowels. It’s left me whole but broken. The curry from last night, won’t. stop. hurting. It’s been nearly at least 9 months since i finished playing metal gear 5: the phantom pain, i had planned on doing a review sooner, then again, i planned on having a readership and we both know how that turned out.

Let’s jump back in time to the 1984, big brother is everywhere, well no not really but they do have a 1984 reference…. FUCK, boring, boring review boring thing. we need a resolution not a another pissuptripewalk of cesspit effluent, such a thing is not affluence it’s tired and desperate cry of the mind yet to gorge itself on the mindfuel on morning coffee… it’s 10:05am and the goose is loose.

I want to talk about graphical comparisons on games. With E3 bearing down out neck like some demented swan snapping at our tongues. it’s time to stop taking names and start drop silky hot waxy facts. THIS IS NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE



A picture is worth a thousand words and not adding a figure for images brings back memories of my supervisors shouting at me. Here we see the greatest electronics expo had to offers. Simply : graphics are a lie and i’m here to prove it. Sure okay, that might be a fluke, one dev decided to take the weekend off or came in lit Thursday afternoon and tried to hand out his phone number to the company cat, but what matters is this is systemic.

Above we see the ground pounding action rock’em out shooter and microtransaction slagfest Player’s unknown’s battle’s ground’s. The only difference here is the white balance which i could have fixed on gimp if it wouldn’t have broken my writers flow, like a turd, in more ways the one, the goal is one long unbroken chain of grammerless mass that coils around the edge of the porcelain white and refuses to go down when flushed.

Flushed is what these graphical updates look like and therefore should be, i mean they speak for themselves or they will if you have text to speech enabled but that would be a bit too much like pivoting to video for a journalist of my integrity (my voice is annoying, i think we all knew that already.)



Look at this, all they did was make the lighting lighter, that isn’t graphics, i mean they both look pretty bad to honest but i don’t see how this is a remaster. It leaves me with a shrug. I may sound outraged, well it’s because i am. For year i’ve argued, quite rightly, that graphics don’t really matter and technical innovation is only useful in how it can be used to deliver a better experience, it ain’t a goal in itself.

Okay fine, i got got kind of excited about making shots of graphical updates look worse by lowering the resolution to shit therefor making the image redundant. The prior 513 words were a loose justification of having done so, i am blatantly willing to lie to your face in order to push some made up images to you that’ll have no bearing on the product that will be shat out in crunch and because of that this is the real E3 right here. (what is subtext?)