New year, New me! How i took hold of my future and shaped up in January... while playing total war

A dark and stuffy cabin on the fringe of the civilised world. Four steadback riders faun their attention over the fickle and inane. Stuffing their face with wine and brie, until one man cries,
“This new government of the our people, the nation of France is nothing but a sham!” stoked to action a young artillery officers rises to his feet Notpoleon No-Bonaparte, handsome and devilishly charming, sure to never succumb to male pattern baldness, he puts the vile dog in his place with an impromptu speech and then he beds two red head maidens…

I’ve never been to Corsica and i’ve never written self insert fanfiction about myself, one of those is true for me but neither for our dear emperor circa. 1804-1814. He is the subject of much discussion by historians, which is code for: he killed lots of people. Also they made a total war game about him and you can do all his battles and stuff and that’s worth talking about maybe?

Do i need to explain a total war game to anyone in the room? No? Thank frog, i honestly struggle to sleep when i have a strategy game like that installed on my pc as i suffer from chronic over-musing syndrome, an affliction i discovered after thinking about it too much. Feverish fitful nights were spent in tight white cotton leggings screaming
“je m'appelle BVGROTI,” while directing brutal cavalry charges against fleeing Austrian soldiers.
When i started playing, i confess, i knew little of strategies of the day. My last total war game was rome and while i will spend some time discussing it at a later date for now imagine a toga wearing latin spitter thrust into to the advent of the new pedagogical age. Turns out the melee-mash phalanx was the strategic equivalent of duct taping to leg to your enemies and thrusting it into a woodchipper.

Innovation was required!
“If you want a thing done well, do it yourself. you lazy sausage,”
I was commanding as napoleon, napoleon was an artillery officer before he became emperor. so maybe, i reasoned, cannons might be pretty useful. My first attempt was a failure, the dirt directly ahead of the embankment i placed the cannons in was utterly smashed beyond all recognition in a somme like hail of death. Unfortunately the enemy army were behind the dirt i was pounding and so i got overrun and lost the battle.

Step two, the second! I needed a real enemy, so i hopped on with a friend to play a quick match. My cannons, numbered twice the standard complement were poised to smash his line before he got in range, unfortunately he charged them mid reposition with his cavalry leaving me anchor-less… then his internet broke and so i won by default, progress had been made.

Next i actually learnt how a firing arc worked and took account of terrain when positioning my guns. You know, like an artillery officer would do. This was the turning point, but it came at a steep price, an hour of watch history videos on youtube. A boot camp in war, death, slaughter and pain all narrated by the acoustic voices of the digital domains finest. Still didn’t quite get the whole friendly fire thing but hey if you kill as many friends as enemies you’re getting double points right?
“An army marches on its stomach, pass me that croissant mon philip,”

Battles were won, close cut things. Carried to me by the grace of fate.
“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake or eggs Lorraine.”
But with each slaughter my tactics evolved and with it came stronger victories and fewer team kills. A major step forward was taken when i began using “stinger” forces, yes i am obsessed enough to name my strats. Two infantry and a cavalry group. AKA two in the pink one in the brown. The cavalry are used to bait the enemy units into switching to a cav-square, horses don’t understand squares making this a strong counter. At which point the infantry charge the enemy having reduced their effective fighting action power (E-FAP) in half, with the subsequent application of the Lanchester's square law. One sees why they are then wrecked.

A refinement of design took place until i struck upon my master stroke, the MAW. (Makes enemy Army get Wrecked) with cannons in the centre of my line overlooking a topographic depression, i know the feeling. I had on their flanks units of line infantry backed up with cavalry, and ahead in the depression a tiny morsel of bait. The plan was simple, lure the enemy into the MAW and rain canister shot on them with my flanks holding them tight and engaged at range.

I don’t want to say the tactic trivialised most encounters, but it actually did.
“Numbers count for nothing when funnelled into the rotating knives.”
occasionally, just the once actually i blundered and marched a nearly depleted army into enemy territory, outnumbered 2:1 my MAW’s left flank was ground down and over run but not before we had whittled two thousand men down to about three hundred. A pyrrhic loss for austria that spelled their end. Not one to seek challenge, especially in a strategy game, i rinse-repeated until total conquest was mine.
“Ability is nothing without opportunity, and a ratatouille.”

At this point i’d lost enough sleep to my war fever, so i uninstalled the game and got back to living as an exile on some butt-frog island in the middle of nowhere. The game has horses, some of will pull your cannons, colour me french.

Was 2018 the worst year of video games since 1967?

I promised a 2018 rundown but honestly i don’t much feel like it. That being said one doesn’t put out a gaming blog out of some intrinsic interest in the media, it’s all about big bucks and flashy ad-revenue. Mind you the only audible i’ve heard from is the audible dulcet moans of Mr. and Mrs. Graham banging next door. Everyone has their ideal work conditions and mine involve having ambient fornication to really get into the mindset of video game fuckery.

Oh yeah, just like that, I've been a naughty plummer; the Nintendo switch is a thing, i guess, and was pretty big last year, is that still the case? I’m not really sure to be honest I've been far less attuned to the discourse around gaming where i’m not directly concerned. This is a deliberate thing i don’t want to spend my time reading about petty trivialities, when there are big things happening in the world; leaves me with more time to check the president's twitter and roll my eyes accordingly.

Memes continue to be a thing in 2018, the less said about the better.

There is only one game I've bought that was release this year and that would be post scriptum, more on that at one point. I could use my personal anecdotal experience to extrapolate a trend in the market and then blame it on whatever thing I've decided is the problem in society but if i did so my conclusion would be so profound and all encompassingly accurate that it would undermine the hundreds of journalists that have done so already, and make them look and sound like a bunch of angsty bedroom dwelling hacks. Not going to kick that hornets nest, sorry.

With all the out the way i’d like to cash in my cheque for my predictions regarding fallout 76, where i boldly stated (let me just check a second) “Todd howard, who will use the revenue from said collector’s edition to fuel his industrial scale psychic hive-mind of kidnapped children to driver us ever closer to an actual nuclear apocalypse.” goodness me, i’m not sure i could get enough from this to ride the bus, which in my rural backwater is actually fairly steep, and i’m not talking topographical impositions, which there most certainly are. Remember when i used to be funny? Me neither, Anyway here wonder-wall.

Mr Graham has climaxed early, again. The fact he shouts “geronimo” through a set of ill-fitting dentures as he expels materials, that he often confuses with his cataracts, is all the stimulation i need to finish expelling my own material. Sorry, i think we were talking about something, oh yes, 2018. To be honest a year now feels like a massively indistinct haze of experience, it’s hard enough to tell one week from the other. Looking back on it, it feels like the springs on a worn out bed creaking back and forth as two winkled old…. I’m not sure where i was going with that or why it came to mind.

Okay, i’ll actually talk about fallout 76 a bit. I’ve not played, no surprise there. But my friend, who i thought would love it regardless of whether it was critically received well, did. One man disagrees with the critics, guess the whole profession is useless. Well, no. i mean it is useless but not because of that. Some people act like real pinheads when a piece of media is bad. A lot of games are really quite disposable in the sense they they only fuel an ongoing discourse that is predicated on having strong opinions about them. They’re like story-lines in a soap opera, and any media used to push hygiene on people is objective satanic in nature and needs to be wrestled down into a blubbery pit of greasy mud and discarded honey, where it can be beaten within an inch of its life while nearly suffocating.

Games journalism could stand to be better, i will be the one to bring the honey!

Side note: the term pinhead did not appear on a list of List of disability-related terms with negative connotations on Wikipedia. Not a defence of my use of the term, just thought it was interesting.